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When I was a kid, we had an office in the basement and two phones in
the kitchen, one for the house and one for the office.

One night when the parents were away the kids started to play.

I, being the genius and practical joker that I am, dialed a random
number on the house phone and a random number on the business phone
and then put the handsets together so whoever answered could talk to
each other.

Some kids were downstairs listening in on the office extension phones
in the office in the basement. I stayed in the kitchen and put my ear
near the two phones.

I heard <ring-a-ling ring-a-ling... ring-a-ling ring-a-ling... ring-a-
ling ring-a-ling> cause the phones were not digital in that day and
age.

As luck would have it, both parties answered almost simultaneously.
One lady answered and said, "Hello." Then the other lady answered and
said, "Hello." Then the first lady said, "Who is it?" Then the second
lady gave her name. Then, the first lady said, "Who are you calling?"
Then the second lady said, "Nobody." Then the first lady said, "You
must have the wrong number." Then the second lady said, "Well, my
phone rang and I answered it." Then the first lady said the same
thing. Then they both laughed and blamed it on the phone company. LOL!

I hung up and all of us kids died laughing.
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I drove up to a realtor's office and attached to the realtor's office was a
proctologist's office. I about died laughing because a sign was hanging from
the roof overhang near the proctologist's office. And the sign read, "Parking
in Rear." LOL!!!
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Here's funny, but true story for all you fast food drive-in fans.

I went to the Steak & Shake for some food. They have the old-
fashioned curb side service. In fact, I think the waitresses wore
roller skates sometimes.

I ordered my burger and fries. I ate the fries and felt sick and
stuck the burger under the seat for later. I forgot about the burger
until two weeks later when I went back and ordered the same thing.

While waiting for the order, I remembered the old burger under the
seat and got an idea. The place was all glass so that you could watch
the cooks and everybody inside. When the waitress brought the food I
ate it all. Then before she came back to pick up the tray from the
car window I secretly placed the two week old burger on the tray by
itself.

She came back to take the tray away. And said, "What's the matter?
You didn't eat your burger." I said, "I couldn't eat it, it was too
old and too hard." She said, "Would you like another one?" I
said, "On that's okay." She said, "I'll take it back to the kitchen
and give it back to them." I watched as she took it back to the cooks
and showed it to them. I was laughing hysterically the whole time! I
don't even want to know what it looked or smelled like inside that
wrapper. It must have been well preserved.

Oh yeah... I forgot to tell you. You shoulda seen the look on the cooks
faces
when they opened the wrapped up two-week old burger! It was priceless. They
were all scratching their heads and the waitresses were kinda laughing and
giggling and telling everyone to come and see this oddity.

From the depths of my practical jokes comes another practical joke
for you to try at your next dining out experience.

LOL!!!
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Here's another funny true story that happened to me.

I was in elementary school. We were studying China. My mother bought
fortune cookies for me to take to school not knowning they were ADULT-
oriented fortune cookies.

The principal sent the cookies home to my mother with a letter about
them. LOL!!!

I didn't remember that story. My mother just reminded me.

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In high school I didn't have my homework done for one of the classes so I
borrowed my best friend's homework paper and copied his paper. The only
problem was I copied his name too. So he turned in two papers and I turned in
none.

It was really embarrassing the next day when the teacher returned the day
before's homework to the students and she asked about my friend turning in
two papers and me turning in none in front of the whole class. She knew that
I had cheated. Needless to say, that was my one and only attempt at cheating
in school and I learned the hard way not to cheat.

I still laugh about that to this day.
 

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Speaking of restaurants...

You reminded of a funny story that really happended to me when I
worked at a restaurant.

You have heard of a dumb-waiter? The elevator in the kitchen that the
cooks used to carry food from the kitchen to the upstairs banquet
room and back.

Well, I was a dumb-busboy!

It was the next day after a big wedding in the banquet room upstairs.
A stairway and balcony was located near the front entrance of the
restaurant just inside the front doors. So when diners entered the
restaurant you could either turn to your right and go upstairs to the
banquet room or go straight ahead into the restaurant.

I turned to the right and went upstairs to the banquet room to clean-
up after the huge wedding party the night before. Now it was the next
day after the big bash and rice was everywhere. The floor was flooded
with rice.

I grabbed a big push broom and started sweeping the banquet room
clean and managed to sweep all of the rice into a good size pile just
outside the banquet room on the balcony next to the railing near the
top of the stairs. It was going so well and the banquet room was
swept totally clean. I was so proud of myself. But suddenly...

I must had brain freeze or just stopped thunking. Little did I know
that the restaurant's owner was standing in the foyer of the
restaurant directly underneath the balcony's railing nearby where it
joined the top of the stairway. Who knew? I didn't know that! Look
out BELOW!

I decided that since I had to sweep the foyer anyway, I would just
sweep the balcony first and then the steps and then finish the foyer
downstairs. Oooops! Sorry boss!

"**@!(*&#*$& &&$(@& #$&# !@*&*@!!!!" That's what my boss said. How
did I know he was standing there? Nobody told me. I didn't know he
was standing there. He got a head full of white rice and it wasn't
even his wedding day. His clothes were covered in rice and so was his
head.

I sheepishly went downstairs and brushed him off. I thought I was
gonna die! I eventually did sweep the steps and the foyer, but I
never swept that balcony ever again! So sorry bossman! What was I
thunkin?

It's sounds like a Kramer moment to me. Or Cosmo moment perhaps?
 

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Anybody know any good April Fool's Day practical jokes?

One time for April Fool's Day I stuck an official real estate for sale sign
in my neighbor's front yard. When he awoke April Fool's morning he discovered
the for sale sign upon backing out of his driveway on his way to work. I
guess he knew who had done the evil deed.

He got me back days later by writing words on my driveway using a pressure
washer. The only way to fix the driveway was to get another pressure washer
and wash the driveway.
 

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"Poopeye meets a beach babe up close and personal"

I ran my sailboat aground on the beach next to a gorgeous beach babe
on purpose. My purpose was to meet her and take for a little cruise
up and down the shoreline. She said, "I would love to. But first, I
have to ask my MOM?!?" Oh, oh... I knew that didn't sound right. She
got permission from her MOM a few hundred feet away and away we went.
She said, "You would probably like my big sister." Oh, oh... I knew
that didn't sound right. "How old are you?" I sheepishly
asked. "Twelve years old." Oh, oh... I knew that didn't sound right.

I promptly turned the sailboat about and headed for the spot where I
had disembarked. She thanked me for the ride and I disappeared into
the sunset never to be seen again.

"Poopeye takes a poop in the Gulf"

And then there was the time I went sailing for the very first time. I
didn't have a clue how to sail a boat. It was a windy day. I held
onto the sail real tight and took off like a rocket deeper and deepr,
farther and farther from shore into the Gulf of Mexico. Finally I cap-
sized a few hundred yards from shore without a clue as to what to do
next because the top of the mast was stuck in the bottom of the Gulf
of Mexico and would not come loose.

My Dad was watching from the shore and ran home and called 9-1-1. I
heard all of the sirens and saw all the commotion on the beach not
realizing it was for me. I about gave my Dad a heart attack that day.
By the time the rescue crews arrived I had successfully uprighted my
cap-sized vessel and was heading to home. That was the last time I
ever tried that. A retired Navy man met my boat about half-way home
and read me the riot act!!!
 

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How true. How true.

Have you ever seen or heard a laughing checkbook? I have!!! LOL!!!

I have a laughing checkbook that needs a new battery. It quit
laughing or maybe it quit laughing for a reason. If cartoon sales
don't pick up soon I will need a crying checkbook.

I bought it a few years ago and the battery must have finally run
down. Every time you open it, it laughs! It has like a light sensor
built-in the inside of the flap near the edge. It's think like a
credit card so the checkbook does not look like it's got anything
extra inside.

It was a good conversation piece whenever I bought things at the
store and paid by check. Of course, nowadays I use my debit card
everywhere so there is no need for a laughing checkbook. Now I need
someone to invent a laughing debit card. LOL!!!

I want my banky! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! To invent one!

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My eyesight is fine! It's my hindsight that needs work...

The other night I bought two new Kidde smoke/fire alarms to replace my twenty-year-old original units.

In hindsight, I should have bought the smoke/fire alarms that didn't
have battery backup. Then, I wouldn't have had all the fun I had
yesterday.

Yesterday was the day I decided to install my new premium model
smoke/fire alarms with battery backup in my twenty-year-old house. I
installed the one in the master bedroom first and I was so proud of
myself. It looked so much better than the old one, but it didn't work
so much better.

Every 30 seconds or so it would chirp! Now we're back to the eyesight
thing again. I couldn't read the microscopic directions to see what
the little plastic pin was for and to see what the periodic chirping
meant. My wife read them to me and said, "The alarm with chirp every
30 seconds if the battery backup is weak. It means replace the
battery."

The unit came with a battery so I thought, hmmmmm, the battery must
be weak so I went into the garage and got a replacement 9V battery
and also brought my battery tester in so I could test all the
batteries in question. They all tested above 9V. So what could
possibly be wrong?

I thought maybe the 9V battery needed to be like 10V to stop the
chirping so I went to Walmart and got brand new Duracell batteries to
replace the 9V batteries that came with the unit and forget the 9V
batteries that I had in my garage in storage because they weren't 10V
either.

I went ahead and installed the second smoke/fire alarm at the other
end of the house in place of the other original unit. It too looked
good and chirped every 30 seconds. At one point in time I had both
alarms chirping almost in unison! I played the same battery games
with that alarm too, to no avail.

I sent the company an e-mail message last night after I tried the new
10V, 9V batteries. I don't need to wait for their reply. I fixed the
problem a short time ago. I was prepared to fish the receipt and the
boxes out of the garbage this morning and run to Lowe's and get the
units that don't have battery backup and solve the problem that way.

But while lying in bed formulating my master plan, I explained to my
wife that the units have this bright yellow tag sticking out of the
battery compartment that keeps getting in my way whenever I plug the
power into the units. The yellow tag says, "PULL OUT TAB TO ACTIVATE
*** BATTERY BACKUP" Well DUH! I forgot to pull out the yellow tab.

My son told me to pull out the yellow tags yesterday and I
said, "Hey, don't mess with those alarms, I may have to return them."
LOL! I guess the yellow tags was there to prevent the preinstalled
battery from going dead while sitting on the store shelf in the box.
LOL! It's like when you buy a printer ink cartridge and have to pull
the tab off before the ink will come out. LOL!

While lying in bed and explaining my master plan to my wife she
said, "Did you hear what you just said? And what does the yellow tag
say?" Well DUH! I was thinking the yellow tag was in case of
emergency and you should not pull it unless it was an emergency.
LOL!!!

I have to write back to Kidde and tell them I solved my problem, but
really my wife did. LOL! Yesterday was definitely a three stooges day
for me. And as for my eyesight, I saw the yellow tag, but was not
prepared to pull it at any cost. LOL! The yellow tag was making the
unit think that there was not a battery installed and that's why the
stupid thing chirped every 30 seconds on the second.

Good thing my house didn't burn down last night while I had no alarms
connected. That would have been too ironic or moronic if you did what
I did with this Do-it-to-youself project. Where's Bob Vila when you
need him?

Bob? BOB! BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I had better call the opthamologist in the morning or else
spend more time down at the beach staring at skimpy bikini-clad
girls. I need to do something to help my eyesight!

What does the word "clad" really mean? Stuck to you like glue?

I had to share this goofus doofus story with you. Hope you enjoyed it
as much as I didn't! I said to my wife, "Maybe that's why I can't get
a job." LOL! LOL!

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I went to a restaurant where they served frog legs and got up the gumption to
ask the waitress if she had frog legs? She thought I meant on the menu. So I
asked her, "Could you please hop over and get me some more water?"

We all laughed. My wife wanted to slap me for flirting, if you call that
flirting. She did have nice shapely legs kinda' like a frog. I often wonder if
she ever gave birth to tadpoles.
 

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Too funny!

Why didn't eye think of that?

A funny thing happened to me at Walmart SuperCenter tonight. My wife bought a
huge bag of pet food and parked her cart on a nearby aisle. I was tooling
around in my motorized shopping cart and collected all of items I had gone there

for. I was her and her shopping cart and proceeded to load up her cart.

There for only one problem, it wasn't her cart! After I unloaded my motorized
shopping cart I drove up to her and she said, "Did you see the fish that I
bought?" And I said, "No. it must have been down in the corner." I told her I
was going to leave and go find our son who was lost somewhere else in the store.

You know how easy it is to get lost in Walmart SuperCenter?

I turned my motorized shopping cart around only to find a couple of ladies
scratching their heads and holding my stuff in their hands and looking for a
place to put it. I bet they wondered where all that stuff had come from when
they
were away from their shopping cart. LOL! I started laughing and apologizing.
I asked my wife where her cart was and quickly recovered and found it and
moved my stuff from the wrong cart into the right cart. LOL!

I guess you had to be there. Never did that before.

I guess you were right Gary, I can blame this oversight on my eyesight. In
the wrong ladies' cart, the big bag of pet food said, "CAT FOOD." We have a dog
and the big bag of pet food in my wife's cart said, "DOG FOOD." LOL! I
wondered why the big bag was baby blue.

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You know I just got back from Daytona Beach, Florida. I was on location where MTV does their Spring Break thing. I saw lots of wild and crazy people there and they all thought I was normal. I had them fooled!

We stayed on the 15th floor of a luxurious 5-1/2 star hotel. The 1/2 star was for the hot beach babe who locked me in the elevator with her for 7 minutes.

Something I noticed while in the elevator with her and while staring at her buttons and elevator buttons was that the number 13 was missing. Good thing I didn't have a room on the 13th floor. The elevator didn't go there.

I told my son about it. That was my first big mistake. He took it upon himself to ride the elevator often and ask politely, "13 please!" And nobody could find the button for the 13th floor, but they all tried. Even a hotel employee fell for it. LOL!
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