Ray,

Here's my burnt toast to your ToastMaster's Meeting:

Some funny ideas follow and one really, really sick idea too...

"So this is what I get for being a Wal-mart greeter all of my life."

"This is amazing, I stood next to a seismograph and it detected me."

"My wife offered to get me a chocolate shake. I said, 'No thanks.' I was
afraid of what might happen if I drank it."

"You never want to hand me the salt and pepper shaker. I'll empty it."

"I tried calligraphy, but it looked like I was stuttering."

"I learned sign language, but my words fell on deaf ears."

"My dogs loves it when I scratch his back."

"This surely makes washing my hair a lot easier."

"Now everybody thinks I have an invisible itch!"

"How come I'm always the one who gets to scrub the pots in the kitchen?"

"Somebody asked me if I was scared and I said, 'Not unless something scares
me!' "

"Somebody asked me if I was scared and I said, 'Not any more. I've been like
this since my wedding night.' "

"I'll never forget the night my wife said to me, "Shake it baby, shake it!' "

"Eat your heart out Michael J. Fox." (this is the really, really sick one)