Humor Writing Portfolio - Happy New Year Resolutions
Here is some original humor I wrote for the Yahoo! Group: Laugh Lover's.
This writing is about Happy New Year Resolutions.
| Kramer here... Acting like a dear, Wishing you all, Some holiday cheer! Butt it's time to peer into your proctoscopes and see what you left behind in 2003. Nah humbug! Forget about it! Time to look ahead using our crystal balls and untapped psychic powers. Time for Kramer's New Year's Resolutions... Turn my bed around, so I always get up on the right side of the bed. Carry wood in my pocket, so I always can knock on wood. Stop kissing girls known to have pet crabs. Stop saying and doing, "I'll drink to that!" whenever anyone says anything. Limit my time in the bathroom to one daily newspaper, not two. Stop worrying about yesterday. At least I'm out on bail. Stop blowing out candles on cakes. It sets off the smoke alarm. Stop playing Russian Roulette by myself. Stop pigging out on pork. Stop telling little kids a Stork brought me. Tell them a Do-Do Bird did. Stop reading the articles in Playboy Magazine. Stop imitating a private part, just to get laughs. Stop sending self-addressed, stamped envelopes containing rejection letters for jobs that I apply to. Stop singing like Clay Achin'. Stop dreaming of a white Christmas. Ain't gonna' happen in Florida! Apply for a job at Victor's Secret. Stop watching the clock when the power goes off. Stop thinking about drinking Enditol. Stop streaking at the nudist colony. Also, stop streaking the windows. Glue my wife's picture in place of the supermodel's picture in my new 2004 SI Swimsuit Calendar. It could save my life! On the other hand, it could cost me my life depending upon the picture I choose. Stop sniffing the glue I was gonna' use to glue my wife's picture in my new 2004 SI Swimsuit Calendar. Stop sitting on copy machines hoping to make a good impression. Get a job at the doorbell manufacturing plant down the street. Then I can play ring-and-run at work too. Then, move up and get a job as a lap dance quality ass-urance tester at a strip club in a strip center. Stop talking to myself using both phones in the office, one in each ear. Stop saying I am gonna' do something and then do it. Stop telling the neigborhood kids that Mr. Wonderful, who lives next door, is a pedophile when is really a priest. Stop yelling at the deaf mute kid down the street to be quiet. Stop wishing Martha Stewart was my mother-in-law. Stop wishing Karen Carpenter would beat me. Stop wishing Jenny Craig and Mama Cass were my wives. Stop giving money to phone solicitors unless they ask for it. Stop driving between the lines on roads, unless you're drinking while driving. Stop helping little old ladies cross the street, unless there is a big truck coming. Stop watching TV, unless there is a remote control bearby. Invent a new game like Twister, but call it Tornado, where everybody runs to the basement to play. People in Florida can't play. Sorry, no basements! Stop cussing and swearing at other drivers. Shoot them instead. Stop pulling weeds and start growing weed. I've got plenty more New Year's Resolutions, but I haven't got time to write 'em all down. I've gotta' start memorizing these before Thursday! |
Mount Laughmore
by Kramer
©2006
Copyright 2006. Kramer. All rights reserved.