==========

I am a full fledged whacko because:

I left my wife for my mother-in-law and now my wife is my daughter so
I can finally tell her what to do!

She's daddy's little girl now! If you know what I mean.


And I forgot the words to the Fledge of Allegiance so that makes me a
half fleged whacko.

If you spank people with a paddle are you literally a whacko?
==========

She's so MOODY that she had to buy a mood ring factory to make
herself happy, but sad.

He's so RELIGIOUS that he wears a Bible belt around his waist and
urinates holy water.

He's so ABSENT-MINDED that he forgets what he forgot when he
remembers.

He's so HEN-PECKED that he spends most of his time crossing the road
to get to the other side.

She's so ORGANIZED that organized crime bosses are afraid of her.

He's so STINGY that he tells beggars, "Beggars can be choosers!"

==========

You know where else they do some cross-selling?
At my church.

==========
Here are some more...
to make you think...

There were two silent movies talking.
Silent movie 1:
Silent movie 2:

There were two mimes talking.
Mime 1:
Mime 2:

I challenge you to fill in the blanks?
LOL!

==========

Whatever you do...

don't take gray matters into your own hands.
==========

What about the other little-known Marx brother?

Onyour Marx.
==========

Caw Reamer here again with today's Joke-of-the-Weak.

I went to McD's the other day and ordered a burger. While waiting for
them to fill my order I was being very punny. You know me... one pun
deserves another. I punned them to death.

I paid and walked out with my bag in hand. When I got into my car and
opened the bag I found a burger burger alright, but there was
something missing.

I went back inside to complain. I said, "Where's the bun?" Usually I
say, "Where's the beef?" They said, "No bun intended!"

Welllllllll...
at least I tried. Tomorrow I try again with another Joke-of-the-Weak.

Caw Reamer
 

==========

I saw a celebrity's sister in the grocery store today.

You know who Brittany Spears is, right?

Well, I saw her sister Broccoli Spears.

==========

My marriage is non-fiction and it's more like Kramer does Kramer. My gun is
always cocked and loaded. My favorite position is CEO. Her favorite position
is kitty style. We starred in our own home-made movie, I was the "The
Incredible Shrinking Man!" No wonder we got two thumbs down.
==========

My parents were so contraceptive conscious that the lady next door had to

have me.

==========

The last Baastion has fallen.

The last cookie has crumbled.

The final bell has tolled.

The last joke has bombed.

The final leaf has dropped.

The last fruit has rotted.

The final buzzer has buzzed.

The last worm has wiggled.

The final bee has stung.

The last boob has drooped.
==========

She's so CHEAP that her favorite mustard is Grey Coupon.

He's so CHEAP that his idea of an ideal date is ringing and running.

She's so CHEAP that her purse is microscopic in size.

He's so CHEAP that he buys blow-up dolls without an extended warranty.

She's so CHEAP that she wears all of her clothes half-off.

He's so CHEAP that he only goes to the grocery store to eat free
samples.

Now those were some CHEAP jokes!

==========

She was so UGLY... the GOOD and the BAD didn't bother to show up.

He was so INTELLIGENT... he was the only person in the world who knew
what IQ stood for.

She was so WILD... that her husband had to shoot her with a dart gun
to bring her home.

He was DUMB... that the dunce cap didn't fit properly.

She was so DULL... that her knife sharpener didn't even work right.

 

==========

Why aren't terrorists stand-up comedians?
Because all of their jokes would bomb.

Why did the Al-qaeda terrorist cross the road?
Because he drank too much and was bombed out of his mind.

How many al-Qaida terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A few to many...
OR a few too many...
One to blow up the bulb and the rest to blow up the ladder.
That was sick!!! Stop it already!!!


 

==========

Gary and Jerry went out in a boat.
Gary fell in and who was left?
Jerry. Why?

The boat was Jerry rigged.
==========

Speaking of men not wanting to ask directions...

My Dad drove all over the city of New Orleans on vacation once
looking for the cheapest gas station with the cheapest gas and ran
out of gas while driving and looking. Anything to save a buck!?!?

Speaking of directions, maps come to mind...

Why do they make road maps so hard to fold up?
How come you can still get lost even when you have a road map?
Why can't they write "You are here!" on road maps?
Road maps are useless in the dark!

==========

I think K-Mart should change the name of Martha Stewart Everyday to Martha Stewart Everyotherday or Martha Stewart Willneverseethelightofday.

==========

Some rhyming headlines...

DOG CATCHER SAYS NO TO PUGS

STANLEY STEEMER SAYS NO TO RUGS

ORKIN SAYS NO TO BUGS

MISS PIGGY SAYS NO TO HUGS

EINSTEIN SAYS NO TO SHRUGS

PEP BOYS SAY NO TO LUGS

HEF SAYS NO TO JUGS

ROCKY SAYS NO TO THUGS

BAD GUYS SAY NO TO MUGS

That's all for now now now now now now now now now!

==========

Here are some original derfwads from my brainy, brain brain.

Teachers - Weapons of Mass Instruction
Builders - Weapons of Mass Construction
Clergy - Weapons of Mass Direction
 

==========

A bear with a stuttering problem went to the speech therapist to see
about his speech problem. The therpist said, "This bears repeating,
bears repeating."
 

==========

Your message to Repha says it all. It reminds me of Cindy's message
to Mike's message to Gary's message to Cindy's message to you. This
is a definite maybe of a quimsical night.

It's as if I read a message from all of you to all of you without
even writing a message to any of you from any of you. LOL!!!
==========

Don't you think that being from Arkansas would make someone a Roads Scholar vs. a Rhodes Scholar?

==========

Is there an elevator dress code?
I really enjoyed my elevator rides on Daytona Beach for that very reason. I kept hoping the elevator would get stuck with just me and the beach babes going up and down. That sounds kinky.
 

LOL!

After several up and down thrill rides, I was seriously thinking of applying
for a job as an elevator operator in a big hotel on Daytona Beach. But then I
realized the job would have its ups and downs so I decided to stick to what I
don't know, which isn't much.

==========

More on Mars...

Close only counts in horsehoes, hand grenades and Mars.

Men are from Mars and if it gets close enough men will be able to return to their roots.

My Favorite Martian will be viewable on TV sets everywhere when Mars gets close enough.

==========

Writing for this audience is like writing for a bunch of funeral directors at
a strip club. Someday taxidermy will keep us all from growing old, even
though are jokes might expire.
==========

I found Jennifer Aniston's Secret Diary under my bed. Here's what it said.

"Life is the Pitts!"

"I don't have any Friends!"

"Polly wants a crapper! Because that's where my new movie is going."

==========

I don't know about you, butt summer vacation time is drawing cartoons near.

I am planning a trip to Viagra Falls, NY (UPstate NY).

Not really, butt it sounds like a weiner if you want an exciting vacation G
spot.
==========

The Jerry-Dave Bartender School liked Jerry-Dave's Bartender and Man so much they invited them to teach the students at the Jerry-Dave School of Bartending.

On the first day at the Jerry-Dave School of Bartending...

Man to Bartender: My wife left me, my house burned down, my car fell off a cliff, and my doctor just told me I have an incurable and fatal disease.

Bartender: Good! Now go tell our first Bartender School student your sob story.

Man to First Bartender School Student: My wife left me, my house burned down, my car fell off a cliff, and my doctor just told me I have an incurable and fatal disease.

First Bartender School Student: They didn't prepare me for this! I hate women! I hate houses! I hate cars! I hate doctors! I hate diseases!

Man: Wanna' hear yesterday's sob story instead?

First Bartender School Student: I don't need your problems! Go away!

First Bartender School Student: How did I do?

Bartender: You passed, but weren't you sharing his wife, his house, his car and going to the same doctor for the same disease?

First Bartender School Student: I think I need a drink!


It's close to a future giggle-maker, but needs a little work.

==========

<Krazy Kramer making a bow movement>

I don't try to be a funny dude,
It just happens. I was bored that way.

And this friendly advice goes for all of us humor merry-makers...

If you're overly funny it's rude,
If you're unbearingly funny it's crude,
If you're obscenely funny it's lewd,
If you're hummingly funny it's an etude,
If you're nakedly funny it's nude,
and if you're feelingly funny it's mood.
==========

Kramer about died laughing, but then they performed CRaP on him and he lived to laugh another day.

==========

I came up with a new, more apropos name for a treadmill...

DREADMILL

==========

I sent this idea to Candid Camera. If they use it they pay $100.

A city garbage truck pulls up in front of a residence and the
sanitation worker gets out and places a full can of garbage in front
of the house.

The sanitation worker knocks on the homeowner's door. When the
homeowner answers the sanitation worker says, "The environmentalists
have done a study and found that it's better for the environment if
the city gets rid of its landfill and if everyone starts their own
private landfill in their own backyard. So from now on we will be
doing garbage drop-off on normal garbage pick-up days."

==========

Here's some interesting stuff about spamish.

Spamish is a popular language in Central and Southern America.
Fremch is a popular language in Quebec, Canada.
Russiam is only popular in the old Soviet Bloc countries.
Germam is wide spoken in Germany and Austria.
Chimese is the main language spoken in China.
Japamese is spoken in Japan.
==========

Why do people in Iowa, put up with the Iowa Caucuses?

Who wants to go and vote for hours at a time?

IOWA CARCASSES is more apropos because that's what the voters must feel like after casting their votes.

If Howard Dean doesn't like the Iowa Caucuses. Who does?

If Howard Dean were a Dean at a college, he would be known as...
DEAN DEAN

It has a nice ring to it, it sounds better than President Dean.

Dean sounds more like a first name, than a last name.

His name could be DEAN HOWARD and nobody would know the difference.

Does anybody ever name their kid Dean any more?

==========

If Howard Dean doesn't like the Iowa Caucuses. Who does?" is a great topical-humor line!"

==========

I was trying to think of some obsessive-compulsive behaviors, but I kept counting the number of keys on the keyboard and forgot what I was typing.

==========

I was in the grocery store yesterday and saw an item for sale that made me think "You might be a redneck if..."
... you buy a genuine leather jacket at a grocery store."

==========

I truly believe I am the winner of the Phrase Repeats game with this
winning entry!

A man was standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and yelled at the
top of his lungs, "Hello down there"...
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
"Hello down there" "Hello down there" "Hello down there"
==========

"Every man is the architect of his own skunk."

==========

Sindy,

Oh my goodness gracious...
Oh Great Goddess of Loveth and X Marriageth!

Qpid would be proud and honored to have ewe as his Valenswine.

Dost thou heart quiver with beats of another loveth affair? Where dost thou
thinketh that loveth beginneth and endeth? The X men in your life hath led
you down the path of denial and betrayal. For you have stripped them of their
one and only manhoodly possession, their sheep, their ewe. Ewe gross...

Ewe know it and I know it.

So go forth and SINdy no more...

Some of your SINdyFUL thoughts and writing is bordering on sINdyDECENT
Exposure.

Kramer
==========

Can't you see? Your colonoscopy payments are in ar-rears!
==========

Hillary Clinton wrote a book, "It Takes a Village."

If and when she runs for Prez she is going to have to write another
book, a sequel to her first book, "It Takes a Millage."

Followed by another sequel to that book, "It Takes a Pillage."

Am I right? Or am I wrong?

I don't want to be right...
but I wanna' be wrong!

Aren't those the lyrics to a song?

Hmmmmmmmmmm?!?!?!?
 

==========

Here's a cheer for an accounting school that I never attended...

2!
4!
6!
8!
What do we depreciate?

==========

Without humor added:

"Rocket Scientist"

is used in a sentence as follows:

"It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist to figure this out!"

***** ***** *****
With humor added:

"Rockette Scientist"

Notice how I changed one word from "Rocket" to "Rockette?"

then used it in a sentence as follows:

"I went to Radio City Music Hall and got a job as a Rockette Scientist!"

==========

And, Kramer is right back with the play on the mattress brand names...
" Seedy Posturepeedick " and the laugh-out-loud: " Crapmatic Unadjustable Beds."

==========

If U.P.'ers are called Yoopers,
then L.P.'ers are called Albums or Vinyls!

==========

Meanings of LSI:

Losers Suck International
Lazy Susan Incoporated
Lack Serious Issues
Ladies Stroking International
Laughing Stand-ups Incorporated
Lucky Stiffs International
Lusty Sluts International
Lamb Straight International
Lip Shtick International
Lighted Studs International
Lowly Spys International
Lively Squirts International
Lasting Stubs International
Licking Stamps International
Lying Sophisticates International
Lousy So-and-sos International

==========

Suicide Bomber mottos-

CAUTION: Parental discretion is advised.
WARNING: Do not try this at home.

Til death do us parts
We're dyin to meat you
It takes one to blow one
Fractions (of bodies) speak louder than words
All's well that ends hell
Count your blastings
Don't put all your bombs in one vest
The bombs are always bigger on the other side
Haste makes bomber waste
He who hesitates is tossed
He who blasts last blasts best
If at first you don't succeed, you won't try again
It's never over til it's under
Never bomb tomorrow what you can bomb today
Practice makes perfect
The proof is in the powder
The blow must go on
Where there's a kill, there's a way
What a bomber man... bomber

Now I look like some kind of sicko psycho whacko for even playing this bomber of a game.

==========

My ewe low gee to the Late, Late Buddy Hackett...

He was a great one!

Lately, it's like a pre-Baby Boomer legend is dying daily.

Must be something in the wah-wah?

I guess my Buddy couldn't Hackett anymore!
 

Have no fear!

Kramer the Great One (KGO) for short...
has arrived to replace Buddy Hackett.

My stage name is going to be Butty Whackett.
==========


Sign in ex-con's storefront window:
"I've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Bumper sticker on ex-con's rear automobile bumper:
"My child was Student of the Month -
Juvenile Detention Center"
 

==========

Do you believe that Mike Wallace on "Sixty Minutes" is 84 years old?  What
the hell do you think's going through his mind when he hears that stop watch in
the background?
 

==========

Great minds klink alike!
 

==========

Where do homeless cavemen live?

In adobe ruts?

At the Bedrock Salvation Army?

In rock bands?

In Boulder, CO?

At Club Bed

In refirement domes

In ALFs (archaic loafing facilities)

They live high off the grog

Wherever they want

They hang with the winosaurs

hmmmmmmmm...........
 

==========

"He lost his cave because he's just a gatherer?"

How bout one of these instead?

He lost his cave because he's afraid of the dark.

He lost his cave because it got repossessed.

He lost his cave because he saw the writing on the wall.

He lost his cave because he caved
and his old lady kicked him out.

Or how bout a caveman holding a sign that reads,
"WILL HUNT FOR FOOD"
"WILL WORK FOR CAVE"
"HELP THE CAVELESS"
 

==========

I could do a toilet one...
Crap on! Crap off!
 

==========

Tell whoever wants to know that loss of members is primarily due to Lorena
Bobbit. If we get rid of her we won't lose any more members!

==========

When I was near Puerto Rico on a cruise ship I drank Estro Gin...
does that count?
 

==========