EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!
HOT OFF THE PRESS
MORE KRAMER ORIGINAL HUMOR...

I saw some flies on my back porch this morning so I called the SWAT Team to  come and get 'em. Good idea, huh?!?
 
If you're in the Mafia and there's a guy named Herb that you want to get rid of, then you do give him Herbicide?!?
 
I wonder...
If you bought a Fisker Karma that was a lemon, then would that Fisker be consdiered Fisker Bad Karma?
 
I wonder...
If Amelia Earhart had attempted her flight using Microsoft Flight Simulator instead, then she might have been more successful. At least, if she crashed we would have found her sitting in front of her computer.
 
I wonder...
If you go to a Hooter's Restaurant in Phoenix, Arizona, could you get hit by a haboob?!?

=====================================================
Dear Abby,

I complained to my wife that we didn't spend enough time hiking through the Everglades. My wife told me I could go to the Everglades by myself and spend as much time as I wanted to and needed to in the Everglades. Would a hiking solo in the Everglades be safe? Is she trying to get rid of me or what?

Signed,
Safari Steve
=================
Dear
Safari Steve,

Of course,  she's trying to get rid of you!!! The average wife does not want to go hiking in  the Everglades EVER!!! You should have married Jane, of Tarzan and Jane fame,  you jungle boy, you.

Signed,
Dear Abby
=====================================================

Joe Paterno Statue at Penn State to be replaced by statue of Chester the Molester.

When in Key West, FL I learned what BOAT stands for... Break Out Another Thousand. (DisKramer: This laugher I stole. It's not mine, sorry, but I wanted to share it because I had never heard this one before.)

I  wonder...
Is it possible to get booby-trapped at Hooter's Restaurant?!?
 
Since  I don't own a kayak, I can't go kayaking.
Therefore, I have decided to go on yaking today instead.

=====================================================
Stayed  up late watching the Hutterites on NatGeo last night. Don't ask me why. I'm  definitely not a Hutterite. I'm more like a Mutterite or a Butterite. I can't  stand Smutterites. Can you?
Or maybe I'm more of an Utterite?
I know some  cows, who are Udderites.
I know some golfers, who are Putterites.
I know  some bowlers, who are Gutterites.
I know some butchers, who are  Cutterites.
I know some people in speech therapy, who are Stutterites.
I  know some hookers, who are Slutterites.
With that comment, I think you should  read me my last Rites!!!
=====================================================
 
Do  you  really think a heart patient wants to open junk mail with a return address of Bypass Drive?!?
 
You know that hair product for old men, JUST FOR MEN. I invented a product for single, young men, JUST FOR BOYS. You can add gray to your hair, without getting  married and having kids.
 
I have  a Groupon...
Half off a Discovery Flight.
Hmmm... Is this where they teach you how to take off, but not how to land?!?
 
HAPPY  HUMP DAY!!! Now get on your camels and ride!

I wonder...
Is the Dalai Lama allowed to breed llamas?
 
I wonder...
Do any of you have a bucket on your bucket list?!?

I wonder...
Is it okay to do a U-Turn in a U-Haul?!?

I'm worse than Tiger Woods. Don't tell my wife, but I played golf with a hooker. Every tee shot he took his ball hooked to the left. He needs golf lessons badly.

I wonder...
Do any of you have a bucket on your bucket list?!?

I wonder...
Is it okay to drink a 5th on the 4th?!?

I wonder...
Is it okay to use a Glad Bag, if you're sad?!?

I tired to explain to my urologist that we're all gonna' go someday.
Hehehe...

I wonder...
In Europe, do they call urologists eurologists???

I figured out why Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
He won't stop jumping on the furniture.

I wonder...
Is the first US Ambassador to Burma in 22 years required to
use Burma Shave?!?

I wonder...
If someone is without electricity, is it cruel to say, "More
power to you!"?

I feel sorry for the woman, who was swimming from Cuba to Florida, but had to give up after 79 miles because she suddenly realized that she forget her Schwimmflugel Water Wings.

I wonder...
Why is it that marathon swimmers always swim from Cuba to Florida and not the other way around?!?

Tom Cruise is starring in a new movie, "Mission Impossible Marriage".

I wonder...
If you drive a hot sports car, does that mean the air conditioner is broken?!?

I wonder...
If you're a hippo and you pretend you're a rhino, are you a hippocrite?

I wonder...
If you're at a baseball game and the ump gets booed, but you
think the ump is right, would you have umpathy?

If Ann Curry married Jerry Rice her married name would be Ann Curry Rice.

I drove up to a bank today and this guy was standing outside holding a sign, "JESUS SAVES". So I went inside the bank and opened a savings account. I figured if it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

A new study has found that 3 out of 2 people can't do math.

Is it okay to send a "queery" letter to a gay magazine?

So my wife is thinking about getting on Facebook. I guess this means I will have to stop flirting will all my guy Facebook friends.

I couldn't afford to go to the Neil Diamond concert in Tampa, FL last week, so I went to the Neil Cubic Zirconia concert instead.

Moquitoes and me... We have a love/hate relationship...
They love me. I hate them!!!

I went to the beach dressed like a lifeguard. This girl told me I was hot. So I came home and took my temperature. She was right!!! I was 98.6 degrees.

When I told my best bud we should get together and chew the fat, I had no idea he was a cannibal.

I wonder...
Does Clay Aiken have a long lost relative named Back Aiken or Stomach Aiken or Head Aiken? And don't forget about Belly Aiken.

I wonder...
If you fly into LAX and then decide to never fly into LAX again, is that anything like EX-LAX?

I wonder...
If you drink too much Bud can you get a Bud clot?

I wonder...
If a black dude becomes a leader in an Arab country, would he be a chocolate sheik?

Kardashians have found far more suckcess than the following Kardashian wannabes...
Pardashians = A family of dysfunctional golfers.
Hardashians = A family of dysnfuctional joke-tellers.
Bardashians = A family of dysfunctional drinkers.
Tardashians = A family of dysfunctional procrastinators.
Gardashians = A family of dysfunctional fisherman.
Mardashians = A family of dysfunctional aliens from Mars....
Chardashians = A family of dysfunctional BBQ grillers.
Stardashians = A family of dysfunctional astrologers.
Jardashians = A family of dysfunctional canners and preservers.
Fardashians = A family of dysfunctional long distant runners.
Czardashians = A family of dysfunctional Obama administration czars.
Cardashians = A family of Kardashians, who changed their last name so no one would recognize them.
Sardashians = A family of dysfunctional sardine eaters.
VARdashians = A family of dysfunctional Value Added Resellers.
Spardashians = A family of dysfunctional fighters.

I just looked at myself in the mirror to make sure my head was still attached because I feel like I've lost my mind.

"Kramer, you like to mass-produce jokes in a stream of consciousness style and you are brilliant at it."
- Mike Bass, Humor Writer for Late Comedians Bob Hope and Pat Paulsen

"You are really a wordsmith and the associations you make are  classicly original."
- Thom Bluemel, Professional Cartoonist

"Kramer! Dude! Are those all originals? Funny
  stuff!"
- Gary Val Tenuta, Professional Cartoonist

"Worthy of the Kings and Queens of Comedy here, I'd
  say."
- Jerry Schatz, Writer

"Kramer is so amazingly capable of just spewing out
uncrafted  gems."
- Jane Marie Cleveland, Fine Arts Photographer, Graphic Designer, Copywriter

"Kramer, your whole furniture routine reminded me of
Steven Wright's  material."
- Rephah Berg, Writer, Winner of Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Contact me:
gocartoons@aol.com

Dear
Abby,

I have a problem. What's the secret to saving our marriage?

Signed,
Separated at Birth
--------------------------------
Dear Separated at Birth,
...
Don't get married in the first place!
Moron!!!

Signed,
Abby

Here is some OFF-the-wall humor I wrote that I am OFFering to you for entertainment purposes only, on hopes it will get you OFF... my back.

OFF and Running...
away from mosquitoes because they are out for blood. My blood. I have a love/hate relationship with mosquitoes. They love me. I hate them!

You might think I'm a little OFF today, but it was my day OFF. It would have been a good day OFF, but the mosquitoes are sooooo bad at our house I sprayed OFF on, OFF and on, on hopes it would keep the mosquitoes OFF. OFF is OFFensive to mosquitoes. It repels them. I purchased a can of OFF for 1/2 OFF! You can't beat that. OFF on sale! How OFFten is OFF on sale? Not OFFten. I don't mean to OFFend mean dog owners, but you can call OFF your mean dogs, but you can't call OFF your mosquitoes, unless you spray OFF on, OFF and on. Once you spray OFF on, it's hard to take it OFF.

I guess you're onto me. Maybe I should OFFset this silly humor with some serious humor? I'll get OFF now so you can do whatever it is you were doing before I went OFF on you. All together now... "On Wisconsin. On Wisconsin." I can hear you now. "I wonder if he does this OFFten?" Yes, I do. On and on and on, as the story goes.
Hehehehe...